It's not always about the miraculous

Sometimes being creative is not a viable option. It just isn't. Inspiration is at a low ebb. Inspiration is like that. Lao Tzu said that, "there is a time for being in motion, a time for being at rest; a time for being safe, a time for taking risks" etc, etc- he said quite a bit more, but you get the idea.

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife
and it will blunt.

We are subject to natural law and we resist it at our peril. A master does not  try to oppose, she uses the momentum of her adversary to defeat him. A friend reminded me a couple of weeks ago of something Picasso said,"every act of creation is first of all an act of destruction." 

Well I have long thought that symbolic acts are beloved of whatever creative intelligence underlies the totality of being. Either these acts set in motion a chain of events, or they are part of a sequence which is already in motion. Whichever is true, I could care less. But it would be hard.
 
I realised that the most creative thing was to immerse myself in the banal.  I started by giving away a lovely glass desk and a massive magnetic whiteboard. I purged old files, emptied in trays, some for the first time.

Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench.
Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. (Lao Tzu)

I carried on to scrub, scour, clear and clean inside and out until my fingers hurt. I found yet more crap that needs to go and began to feel the relief and the virtue of lightening my load. I painted, filled, sanded, painted, filled, swept, hoovered and I hung beautiful pictures on the walls.

I am still between careers with no idea of what will change that. I am still shit scared that my family will end up homeless and it will be my fault. I still feel quite ill equipped to cope with what's on my plate, never mind a second helping or (my just) dessert.

And now I'm sitting not in a builders office, but in a place where I can honour people's dreams, purge and throw away their useless baggage. Where I can join in with creation. So it probably hasn't been a complete waste of time.

As one of my closest and wisest friends, Avril told me, "John Boy, you have to get out of your own way and let it roll."